La drum…

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Un nou post in romana, deoarece ori de cate ori reusesc sa scriu ceva pe blog, mereu imi propun sa scriu in engleza, sa fie mai accesibil celor care ma stiu – imprastiati prin toate colturile lumii. Insa abia apoi imi amintesc dulcele sentiment care revine o data ce incep sa imi folosesc propria limba si mai nou sunt din ce in ce mai indragostita de melodia acestei minunate limbi.

Astfel ca astazi zic : la drum! Fa-ti bagajele si descoperea un loc nou, un alt univers partial presarat cu oameni noi si diferiti, cu alte obiceiuri si alt stil arhitectonic. Spre mare mea mirare, nu mi-am dorit niciodata cu adevarat sa ajung in Londra. Asta pana acum si nici nu pot sa explic de ce, pur si simplu asa s-a intamplat. Uneori ma gandesc ca toate acele lectii de la Limba Engleza si-au pus amprenta, trebuia sa invatam teoretic despre niste cladiri si simboluri pe care nu le vazusem sau expereimentase direct. Atfel ca The Great Fire si Hadrian s Wall, The Great Plague si Tower of London le stiam pe de rost, insa asta m-a si facut sa resping ideea de a merge acolo. Curios cum creierele noastre ne prind in capcane, dar, din fericire, uneori reusim sa ne eliberam si sa ne infruntam fricile. Da, asa ca acum ma duc la Londra! Am asteptat ceva ani sa vad pe viu tot ce am invatat fortat acum ceva vreme, insa nu am asteptari. Vreau doar ca acest oras sa imi arate, cu pasi marunti, tot ce are de impartasit lumii care ii calca pragul.

Cum de ceva vreme mi se spune ca am un accent american, am fost oprita chiar de nativi si intrebata din ce stat sunt, imi e si putin groaza ca accentul britanic ma va da putin peste cap. Sper doar sa inteleg ce se vorbeste si mecanismul de adaptare sa isi inte in functiune cat de curand.

London, here I come! Pe cai, la drum!

Night thoughts gone wild

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Covered by darkness, I opened a door which was sealed  long time ago.

Behind it, you can find everything your imagination desires, from broken dreams to satisfied needs. Two steps to the right and you are a famous painter who had dozens of muses willing to model for him. One step to the left and your lyrics start flowering on the pale paper, trying to impress the one who ran away with your heart.
Walk forward and unravel the magic of feeling alive when everything else around your dies. Small steps take you to the future, a land of promises and colors, where you find the one,  that one whom you’ve always been waiting for!
One night and so many options! But who decides what the order is and when do you wake up?

Sweet dreams, to those of you who open that door, all covered by darkness…

Cu sufletul cald, intr-un sloi de gheata

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Cu sufletul cald, intr-un sloi de gheata

Alb si rece, doua caracteristici ale lumii in care traiesc acum. Nu, nu este neantul, insa sunt undeva pe aproape, o mare de pamanturi si oameni necunoscuti mi se astern in fata. Cum am propria mea bula de autoprotectie, pot sa pasesc oricum si oriunde si tot nu interactionam, facem doar parte din doua lumi diferite. Eu sunt altfel, asta am tot auzit-o vreme de o viata de la cei din jurul meu, oameni care ma cunosc de o zi sau dintotdeauna, sunt calda intr-o lume rece. Sunt cu zambetul pe buze intr-un peisaj anost populat de oameni care au uitat sa simta, sa zambeasca sau sa se bucure de cele mai mici detalii din vietile lor. Pasesc singura si increzatoare pe aleile goale, inghetate si impodobite cu un strat de zapada care imi trosneste fericita sub talpi. Pana si zapada si elementele neinsufletite sunt vii aici, probabil doar pentru a compensa lipsa de simtire a celor care traiesc. Doar pentru ca ocupi un spatiu fizic nu inseamna neaparat ca traiesti, asta am invatat eu aici!

Imi fac rondul in fiecare zi, absorb tot ce pot prin porii insetati de cunoastere. Descopar mereu ceva nou, insa nicodata mai multa simtire, mai multe sentimente, mai multa dedicare. Toti sunt cumva plecati din propriile lor corpuri, pe care le manuiesc doar cu puterea gandului probabil, prin ceva mecanism sofisticat pe care noi, astialalti, nu il cunoastem. Noi inca coabitam cu noi insine in corpuri calde, vii, care simt si traiesc, gusta si se dezgusta, se bucura si se intristeaza in functie de ce ne rezerva hazardul. Pentru ceilalti viata are mereu acelasi curs bine stabilit dinainte, ei stiu cu 6 luni inainte ce vor face intr-o data specifica, ce vor manca la o anumita masa, la ce ora le va suna ceasul desteptator sau in ce camasa se vor imbraca pentru intalnirea x cu persoana y. Ordine? Organizare? Mecanism? Anost? Cred ca pana la urma prefer micul meu univers haotic, cel in care fiecare secunda noua imi aduce ceva neasteptat, in care ma simt ca si cum as trai intr-un joc video. Si trec de la un nivel la altul, acumulez puncte si mereu, la fiecare nivel ma intalnesc cu marele sef (the big boss), un fel de suma a sefilor mici, care imi pune la incercare in cel mai serios mod calitatile si dexteritatea. Iar bucurie mai mare ca trecerea la alt nivel nici ca iti imaginezi, chiar daca este poate pentru o scurta perioada.

Universul meu este populat probabil cu persoane similare mie, care doresc sa isi extinda limitele, sa se cunoasca pe ei insisi si pe cei din jur, sa contribuie cu ceva la toata aceasta ecuatie cu nume simplu: viata!

Cum sa oferi un zambet sincer si din toata inima si sa primesti o privire in pamant, o forma neclara de rusine combinata cu lipsa de dorinta de a interactiona? De ce sa barezi tot ce te face sa te simti prezent si viu, si sa te ascunzi in virtual, in telefonul din mana cu bateria descarcata deja? Cand acel copil vesel si sincer, pe care il tii de mana, ma priveste cu drag si ne jucam un joc inteles de toata varstele si natiile, cand se ascunde fericit dupa scaunul din tren, apoi apare iar in hohote de ras, cu gura pana la urechi, ii tragi brusc de manuta si ii faci observatii, sa nu se mai joace cu domnisoara din fata?! Sa continui, nu are sens, ati prins ideea.

Eu una, voi continua sa zambesc si sa ii salut pe cei care imi ies in cale, pe aceste alei inghetate si uitate de soare. Voi pasi hotarata si insetata sa vad ce are sa imi rezerve urmatorul nivel din joc, voi acumula puncte de calitate, muncite si simtite si cu fiecare zambet timid cules, cu fiecare Hej hej soptit, cu fiecare stralucire de ochi cucerit, voi fi tot mai vie…

Sunt un om cu sufletul cald, intr-un sloi de gheata!

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No matter how often I tell myself to stop expecting, I end up doing it anyway. It’s like a sadistic game I am playing with myself, the more I try, the more I fail. And I know it’s a real game, since both players are playing it, but I keep telling myself I refuse to play, so I should be ok, left there on the margin of the field.
Another day goes by, and I still think about the score,  feeling like I’m losing ground and I’m getting defeated with my own weapons. I wonder how do I always manage to get inside this stupid cycle, since I already know all the steps?! I’ve tried them several times and I know exactly where they lead! To nowhere! Sad to see myself incapable of stopping this once and for all, and just feel like I’m grabbed by some invincible force just in the middle of it…
Today I expected again to see that you care, but just as always, you managed to reinforce my belief that you just don’t give a damn about me or anything related to me. You’re becoming better and better at mocking me and making me look like the biggest fool that ever existed. I can only be ashamed of my own person, of my own feelings and emotions and regret that I’m not a cold bitch who shouldn’t even feel them at all. I’m not this person you expect to see, this robot who can clearly separate different parts of her life: logic, feelings, pleasures and responsibilities!  Am I all in one piece and I hate acting like I’m something else just to please your ego. You either learn how to leave it behind and see me for whom I am, or we shall not come even close to breathing the same air in a cold forgotten space in time.

Where did your humanity go and why did you even consider that without it you would be a better person? Don’t you understand you are only locking yourself inside your own prison? No people to get in, but no way for you to get out either…Sad and lonely, living in your own microcosmos. Expect nothing, since nothing is ever given to those who play sadistic games!

You and the rain

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It is winter, but it feels like an autumn day. One of those rainy days when you sip your coffee in silence, in a forgotten coffee-shop in Paris, you stare at the people walking outside, facing the cold wind and the wild raindrops, wondering how their lives are and what makes them tic everyday. You feel everything they are feeling and you start writing random words in your notebook, words about life, people, places and feelings. At the end, you find yourself starring at this perfect symphony of life: it is just you and the rain. T.P.

Lost between dimensions

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I am no longer where I used to be. This new place is unknown, it has no familiar elements, no sounds or smells to remind me of anything. Peculiar as it is, I try to go by just like that. Simple and without questions, hoping that sooner or later I will get my answers. It feels dark and cold, like a forgotten corner of this world, where no one comes and goes. What is it? Or, more correctly, where is it?

All of a sudden, it feels like all the feelings have disappeared, i no longer feel pain or joy. I am constant and bored. Walked several times all over this new type of labyrinth and I haven’t discovered any patterns. It doesn’t really feel humane. Like it is some sort of spell that someone has cast over me and I now am in this imaginary word. Could it be that I am trapped between two different dimensions of my own mind? And if so, how could I escape or how could I go back to the start or at least jump to the next level?

If I am lost between dimensions, does it mean that there is no time?

Does it mean I can stay here forever?